- June 2nd, 2011
Well I still miss Ft. Lauderdale. I'm now 22 as of May 30, and I planned to go back for the 31st, just to ride my bike around town, ride through some old neighborhoods and side streets, go to a couple stores and locales and simply reminisce for a while for my birthday.. something I wanted to do as most everything else like my party and dinner and whatnot was not planned by me. But even though all it meant was taking a bus there for $4 for the day, money became an issue and I ended up thinking it was kind of a silly idea best saved for another free day, plus I had things to do at home still by the time the afternoon came around. After all though, I still had a fantastic birthday; party with my closest friends on the 21st, then on my birthday hanging out with again my love and two of my closest friends.
Speaking of my love, I really... in my deepest heart of hearts... wish he didn't have a drinking problem. I don't think he's an alcoholic, but he definitely uses it as a vice. Sometimes I think he knows that truly, and sometimes not.. I do feel he justifies other things to try to skirt around alcohol as the true source of a certain issue when it's involved, but it kills me to know and realize there are times when it's either one or the other.
For at least the last two weeks, if not three or even four, we've been drinking every night. It's either been something fairly small like a six-pack of beer or a small bottle of wine or a few cans of Fosters, but it's still been every night. Some time ago, he didn't see it that way; the way I do.. That even though it may be a small amount of whatever, it's frequent. Frequency can be just as bad as amount, if not worse.. especially when there's a strong chance the alcohol is being consumed as a vice rather than the source of an addiction. However, recently, that did come to light for him, but more recently, the frequency has come right back.. It's almost like there's been no problem with any of it. One of the things that bothers me is that if I were to say anything about it, which I have briefly, it does not go over well simply because, I feel, he disagrees. We have our disagreements as a couple, of course, but when it comes to alcohol, he is the with the problem, and I just don't know what the fuck to do any more about it.
Even earlier this evening, his sister came to pick up her old cat who's lived here with his mom for about the last three years, and with us at the same time for about the last year as we've been living with his mom. The cat, Miller, has gotten very attached to us, and lesser to Matty's mom.. So today, the topic came up when he and his mom were talking about us moving in a couple months and wanting to take Miller with us, as well as his sister who is a realtor, helping us find a place. Being that Miller is his sister's old cat, I guess it bothered her to know that we wanted to take him instead of his mom taking him when we all move out in two months. So, she decided to just come pick him up and take him back. On a tangent, at the same time, my sister wanted me to come over and hang out while she had some Craigslist buyers come check out her bed set she's selling. When I told Matty that she wanted to borrow his mom's vacuum to clean up for the visitors, it bothered him more because they've not been on nearly good terms for a couple weeks now for some personal reasons... Once my sister was on her way to pick me up, he asked for $10 to get something to drink. I asked him if it was because he was depressed and mildly upset about his sister taking Miller; he said No and that he wanted to drink (again) tonight anyway. I gave him the $10, went to my sister's, and came back. When I got back, he showed me he got a small bottle of vodka, around 400ml size I think, and had about 2 shots already for a couple drinks.
In all honesty, I appreciate that he didn't drink much of it before I got back, which he told me he wouldn't, but part of me was not expecting vodka. On another tangent, the only liqour I think, and I feel he thinks too, he can handle without problems is tequila... I tried asking him not to think about the cat and his sister because the vodka would only cause his depression about the situation to be enhanced...
I'm clearly rambling everything that's running through my mind. Overall, I just really wish my baby didn't have a drinking problem. It's nights like these that hurt and make me worry about him...
Now I can't think of anything else I wanted to get off my chest or just write about, but I'm glad I've got this far. I think I need to look into some things... Wish me vague luck.