For the children, they laugh

...and the children, they know

we looked like giants

Things are changing. And they're going to come much quicker than expected. Bring it the fuck on.

(no subject)

Goddamnit, I need to lose weight. Get semi-buff, sorta. At least toned. People keep telling me I look fine, but I'm so fucking tired of hearing that, because I know it's just the politeness, which is fine and appreciated... But I'm 5'11" and 185. I'M A HEFTY BOY. I've always been self-conscious about my weight and at my heaviest of 250ish, I didn't start losing that til around 17/18.. I'm 22 and have maintained my weight for the last handful of years, but ultimately I want to be around 150-160 tops. And I know it's proper for my visit structure too... Anyfuck, this new year, it will happen. Nuff said. Goodnight.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)

Is it bad of me to wish that a guy I've really liked for years now wasn't religious? I feel like if he and I were on the same mental page as each other that we might actually have a real shot at something...

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.


(no subject)
dyfgdilufgliu instead of the Vagina Monologues, there should be one called the Vodka Munchies, as I'M GETTING FAT TONIGHT. lol

also, I love how I finally make this my profile on adam4adam:

you know what? I'm not going to write anything "about me" if no one else is willing to talk. as most of you boys say, you're not on a4a for mr. right now, but many of you are. either way, if you say that you're open to at least conversing and getting to know someone, "even on here", then don't message back and forth like you've got better things to do. HAVE FUCKING CONVERSATION. tell me something about yourself, something amazing.. open up. if that's what you want, of course. if not, then don't lie, and have fun being easy.

and NO ONE messages me anymore. it's really interesting to see that, as it appears (at least on a4a), all guys are really just looking for mr. right now.

so I'll say it again. have fun being easy, boys.

for fuck's sake, we should at least have separate bank accounts. I don't remember whose idea it was at first to have them jointly, but it's turned out to be one of the biggest fucking stressors in our relationship at this point.

I don't know how well you'll take to the idea, which means probably not well at all and accuse me of trying to push things apart between us or have control over money or some other reason that makes sense to me, but not to you... I'm tired of getting paid every week now, which has never happened before I got my job at Publix, and I can't even have or save money.. WE DON'T EVEN HAVE ACTUAL BILLS TO PAY. I'm fucking sick of living with your mom, and I'm afraid it's pushing us further apart ever day... I still can't figure out why we can't seem to save money, aside from recently having to pay your mom for the move, but this shit has got to stop. I can probably guarantee that if we had separate bank accounts, I would be able to save at least $100 a week, comfortably. We need to be able to fend for ourselves financially in case we ever have to..

We need to have some form of independence in our relationship, and amidst all our issues right now, most of which I've been more concerned with lately, I can't think of doing anything else right now that may help us get better than to separate our finances...

Otherwise, I just don't know what to do. We're on a rocky road.

(no subject)
Well I still miss Ft. Lauderdale. I'm now 22 as of May 30, and I planned to go back for the 31st, just to ride my bike around town, ride through some old neighborhoods and side streets, go to a couple stores and locales and simply reminisce for a while for my birthday.. something I wanted to do as most everything else like my party and dinner and whatnot was not planned by me. But even though all it meant was taking a bus there for $4 for the day, money became an issue and I ended up thinking it was kind of a silly idea best saved for another free day, plus I had things to do at home still by the time the afternoon came around. After all though, I still had a fantastic birthday; party with my closest friends on the 21st, then on my birthday hanging out with again my love and two of my closest friends.

Speaking of my love, I really... in my deepest heart of hearts... wish he didn't have a drinking problem. I don't think he's an alcoholic, but he definitely uses it as a vice. Sometimes I think he knows that truly, and sometimes not.. I do feel he justifies other things to try to skirt around alcohol as the true source of a certain issue when it's involved, but it kills me to know and realize there are times when it's either one or the other.

For at least the last two weeks, if not three or even four, we've been drinking every night. It's either been something fairly small like a six-pack of beer or a small bottle of wine or a few cans of Fosters, but it's still been every night. Some time ago, he didn't see it that way; the way I do.. That even though it may be a small amount of whatever, it's frequent. Frequency can be just as bad as amount, if not worse.. especially when there's a strong chance the alcohol is being consumed as a vice rather than the source of an addiction. However, recently, that did come to light for him, but more recently, the frequency has come right back.. It's almost like there's been no problem with any of it. One of the things that bothers me is that if I were to say anything about it, which I have briefly, it does not go over well simply because, I feel, he disagrees. We have our disagreements as a couple, of course, but when it comes to alcohol, he is the with the problem, and I just don't know what the fuck to do any more about it.

Even earlier this evening, his sister came to pick up her old cat who's lived here with his mom for about the last three years, and with us at the same time for about the last year as we've been living with his mom. The cat, Miller, has gotten very attached to us, and lesser to Matty's mom.. So today, the topic came up when he and his mom were talking about us moving in a couple months and wanting to take Miller with us, as well as his sister who is a realtor, helping us find a place. Being that Miller is his sister's old cat, I guess it bothered her to know that we wanted to take him instead of his mom taking him when we all move out in two months. So, she decided to just come pick him up and take him back. On a tangent, at the same time, my sister wanted me to come over and hang out while she had some Craigslist buyers come check out her bed set she's selling. When I told Matty that she wanted to borrow his mom's vacuum to clean up for the visitors, it bothered him more because they've not been on nearly good terms for a couple weeks now for some personal reasons... Once my sister was on her way to pick me up, he asked for $10 to get something to drink. I asked him if it was because he was depressed and mildly upset about his sister taking Miller; he said No and that he wanted to drink (again) tonight anyway. I gave him the $10, went to my sister's, and came back. When I got back, he showed me he got a small bottle of vodka, around 400ml size I think, and had about 2 shots already for a couple drinks.

In all honesty, I appreciate that he didn't drink much of it before I got back, which he told me he wouldn't, but part of me was not expecting vodka. On another tangent, the only liqour I think, and I feel he thinks too, he can handle without problems is tequila... I tried asking him not to think about the cat and his sister because the vodka would only cause his depression about the situation to be enhanced...

I'm clearly rambling everything that's running through my mind. Overall, I just really wish my baby didn't have a drinking problem. It's nights like these that hurt and make me worry about him...

Now I can't think of anything else I wanted to get off my chest or just write about, but I'm glad I've got this far. I think I need to look into some things... Wish me vague luck.

dokomade mo kakenukete
oh my god finish your fucking reports or whatever marketing bullshit you're doing and leave, please. i know this is your place but i can't stand being around you.

I should probably be the one that leaves and go do some job hunting, but that shit's intimidating, going to medical offices and insurance agencies... why those places, you ask? because I'm not working in the food service industry any more. I can't afford to lose another job another month from now, nor can I afford the stress and frustration restaurants bring.

But good news! Matty's being strongly considered for management at Koko!! Since there's only 3 other employees besides the husband and wife owners, and those 3 don't know how to do everything and he does, well.. he'll be moving up for sure. =] I'm so proud of him. We're well on our way to getting out of this cunt-ran prison and starting our life together.

What the fuck?
I'm 21 fucking years old. I've got a fiance that I've been with for almost 11 months. I know it's early to be
engaged; we both know, but we are, and we're ok with it. I've already quit 1 job and been let go from another 2 within the last 10 months, and I'm currently working around 19 hours per week at $8/hr as a retail sales associate.

We've been living with his mother for around 5 months now. She's an absolute two-face who faultily tries to help one minute and becomes a cunt the next, severely bending the truth all the while to draw us apart. She drives the love of my life to drink, which has a sometimes negative effect on me, and we've both been forced to be two-faced to her now. Or at least always put on a pleasant face.

We deserve so much better than this... I think I deserve so much better than this... I've honestly wanted nothing more now than to be able to support our goals and I've been busting my ass for the first time in probably forever, and I get a fucking lost job out of it at the worst possible time. I've tried to be positive about it because it actually turned into a bigger headache than my last job flipping burgers at Five Guys for 4 months, by looking at it as simply having more availability for a better opportunity.

I know that very good things are coming, but even when I calculate the majority of my tax return on turbotax, and it comes out to $186 when I was hoping to receive around at least $700, what the fuck do or think then? We want to be out by March 1, and I've been wanting to make it a goal for us to have our own place by our one year anniversary on March 13, and it's been very difficult to accept the possibility that it may take longer.

Again, I think at this point, with all the hardships we've endured together through the last 10+ months, the keyword is 'endured', and we deserve a fucking break at the least.

le sighhhhhhhhhhh
$70+ in overdraft fees, phone bill is due in a few days, stressful family woes, stressful living situation, the fiance is unfortunately unemployed, and i'm stuck in an extremely stressful minimum wage job that i don't live near. askdhiuhgfulahsfdoualksdfhnglkahjgf

wtf driving
starting some dream recollecting. within the last 3-4 weeks i've been having a handful of very vivid lucid dreams and i have not been keeping track of them as i've wanted to. starting w/ this one however because some factors were really confusing and it scared me a little.

it started w/ me at what appeared to be my old trailer where i stayed w/ my parents when i was 13/14. there was a gathering going on w/ my family and a lot of my dad's old bandmates. specifically vince, who greeted me, we hugged and briefly spoke about current events. i walked around for a few minutes to examine things, then scenery changed to me and my sister going to the store to get more things for the party. it was already evening and as we left the store, i had a car to drive myself back in. my sister left, but for some reason i was having a hard time driving to leave the parking lot, which seemed to take at least 10 min. the gas pedals weren't working properly and my feet and legs felt very weak whenever i tried to press w/ either one. i kept trying to look down to see if the pedals were broken but it was too dark to view. somehow i made it to the driveway of the lot to exit, but it was all as if i didn't know how to drive, which i do but for some reason wasn't the case in the dream. i happened to look to my right and saw a woman walking down the sidewalk in my direction, and a guy walking behind her. she looked back and suddenly starting running and the guy started chasing after her. she ran past the car and the guy looked at me and stopped, then opened the door and hopped in. i thought he was going to mug me because he was frantically trying to tell me something but i couldn't understand much. he grabbed a book out of the backseat and tried showing it to me as i was saying 'please don't rob me just get the fuck out' being i still couldn't drive off, or i would've already.

i think the man got out, but things kind of turned to a blur at that point. next thing i know i'm still in the car, but it's daylight out and i'm in hollywood (fl) near ashley's place/shopping areas. i tried driving back to either her house or my friends leona and dan's, which is where i'm currently staying. however i was still having the same trouble as [the night] before, driving improperly and almost getting into accidents and it all made me uneasy. somehow i ended up back at leona and dan's, i went to a room to put some things down and heard them talking. i came out after i heard leona ask dan if i was there, and walked out of the room to greet them. i saw dan, who normally has shoulder-length hair but for some reason had a regular short haircut, but as i tried nudging him on the shoulder to get his attention, he just looked at me and kept talking. needless to say that jarred me and i assumed i was dead or something, until he joked and said 'oh hey i'm just fuckin w/ you'...

then i woke up as leona was walking in the front door.



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